wah wah wah | whippingirl's Blog

I'm getting tired of whining.  It's probably the hormones starting to stabilize, good thing that is, because they've been making me a fucking fruit-cake.  I haven't felt anything but hurt for almost a month it seems like.  I can't pinpoint exactly what it is, I mean, it's definintly a mix of everything, and it's probably being set off by some things that a certain somebody has been doing that are drudging up everything but anything good left in me.  I'm feeling a lot of things that I've never felt before, or, maybe just not to this extent.  Betrayed, being probably the biggest one.  Not necessarily in the "cheated on" kind of way, well, who knows, though?  It could be exactly that kind of way.  Its making me start to distrust everybody, this one person's actions.  I've never felt this kind of distrust before, and it's tearing me into itty bitty pieces.  I feel really weak and stupid when I let it go, even though I don't really let it go, I act like I do, so there won't be as much conflict, but I can't forget it.   It nags me.  Every inconsistancy, everything that makes me wonder, its like a little kid that won't stop pulling your sleeve, "hey, hey, hey, pay attention to me, Pay Attention To Me, PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!!".  That's how these thoughts go in my head, and I try, I try really hard, to ignore it, because paying attention to it doesn't help the situation, it seems.  Then I feel stupid to ignore such an obvious thing, that these lies exist.  And next, I feel so fucking weak, for not being able to address them in a constructive way.  Every time I try to, it makes the whole thing worse.  The only thing I can do is not a goddamned thing.  Take it and take it and take it and just try not to show that I remember it.   The fucked off part, is that he's so convinced that I want to leave him.   I don't want to leave him.   I wouldn't make myself so weak and stupid for him if I wanted to leave him.  

I just want to be able to TRUST.  I want some validation of my doubts.  I want him to quit acting like I'm just crazy (for what?  for noticing the b.s.?).  I want to find out that the shit he's lying about is just petty stuff, and that there's really nothing for me to be so hurt over.  I want to not feel like he's taking advantage of my down and out situation, for whatever twisted ass reason he might do that.  I want to not have to hear from other people what my husband has been up to when he tells me he's at work.  I want to be able to hear what he says and know that since it's the truth, the story won't be different in a few days, or a week.  Or a month.   I want openness and realness. 

Maybe I want too much.