me and the things that lead to this.......... | whippingirl's Blog

Right now, I'm sitting on the couch in the living room, wondering where Jon is at, my husband has left about 2 hours ago, to go help some friends, he says.  

I'm on house arrest until the middle of December.   Have been tied to this house since August 20th.   We have a 4 month old son, (who was a planned baby-still a weird concept to me), I have a 5 year old from a previous marriage, who I used to get every weekend, but recently, his dad sprung a temp. restraining order on me, which his lawyer gave me an hour to respond to, when I obviuosly can't, cuz of house arrest. 

I had court today, with my ex husband, and since one of our (uninsured) cars got stolen, I had to count on my mom to get me there.  We were a half hour late, so his parenting plan defaulted back to the one from when I left him in 2005, even though my lawyer was there.  I walk in, see my ex, his gf, and their lawyer looking all accomplished, until they saw me, then it was all about smug, cocky, attitudes. 

My lawyer walks by and yells at me for being late, and for not paying the judgement to my ex's lawyer in front of them.   Insult to injury.  

I had no control over being late.  We don't have a checking account, and I looked at his lawyers website, but it didn't say she took credit cards.  I've had the money set aside for it, and just about every day I've said something about how I needed to get that paid to my husband.  He wasn't helping out, so I called my mom like 4 days ago to ask her if I could give her cash to send a check for me, she said yeah, but we didn't get a check to her until today at the courthouse.

I never thought that I couldn't count on the people I love to help me when I can't help myself.  Until now.  They eventually come around, but by the time anybody bothers to do what they say they will, it's too late and I'm already suffering the consequences.  If it were reversed, I would be there for any of them.  

At least I get to see my older boy this weekend.   It's been a month since his dad started this.  I guess my ex told my son that he wasn't coming over to see me because I was "sick". 

I miss him so bad. 

I wouldn't have made so many of the decisions I made so quickly about getting married and having another baby, if I didn't think that those choices were a step towards getting my son back all the time. 

I love my baby, but I wouldn't have gotten pregnant last time if I'd have known that I was going to get charged for that stupid crime I committed 3 years ago.  I would have waited.  And now I'm pregnant again, just a month, I think, but I can't have this baby, and my mom is way pro-life, so I'm pretty much screwed as far as getting to a doctor to have an abortion. 

So, here I am, sitting on the couch, still waiting for him to get home, it's about 40 minutes later.  The baby is asleep.  I'm crying.  And wishing we had some beer or something.  But we don't. 

I'm trying not to cry too loud so I don't wake up the baby. 

I'm so hopeless right now.