whippingirl's Blog

I'm getting tired of whining.  It's probably the hormones starting to stabilize, good thing that is, because they've been making me a fucking fruit-cake.  I haven't felt anything but hurt for almost a month it seems like.  I can't pinpoint exactly what it is, I mean, it's definintly a mix of everything, and it's probably being set off by some things that a certain somebody has been doing that are drudging up everything but anything good left in me.  I'm feeling a lot of things that I've never felt before, or, maybe just not to this extent.  Betrayed, being probably the biggest one.  Not necessarily in the "cheated on" kind of way, well, who knows, though?  It could be exactly that kind of way.  Its making me start to distrust everybody, this one person's actions.  I've never felt this kind of distrust before, and it's tearing me into itty bitty pieces.  I feel really weak and stupid when I let it go, even though I don't really let it go, I act like I do, so there won't be as much conflict, but I can't forget it.   It nags me.  Every inconsistancy, everything that makes me wonder, its like a little kid that won't stop pulling your sleeve, "hey, hey, hey, pay attention to me, Pay Attention To Me, PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!!".  That's how these thoughts go in my head, and I try, I try really hard, to ignore it, because paying attention to it doesn't help the situation, it seems.  Then I feel stupid to ignore such an obvious thing, that these lies exist.  And next, I feel so fucking weak, for not being able to address them in a constructive way.  Every time I try to, it makes the whole thing worse.  The only thing I can do is not a goddamned thing.  Take it and take it and take it and just try not to show that I remember it.   The fucked off part, is that he's so convinced that I want to leave him.   I don't want to leave him.   I wouldn't make myself so weak and stupid for him if I wanted to leave him.  

I just want to be able to TRUST.  I want some validation of my doubts.  I want him to quit acting like I'm just crazy (for what?  for noticing the b.s.?).  I want to find out that the shit he's lying about is just petty stuff, and that there's really nothing for me to be so hurt over.  I want to not feel like he's taking advantage of my down and out situation, for whatever twisted ass reason he might do that.  I want to not have to hear from other people what my husband has been up to when he tells me he's at work.  I want to be able to hear what he says and know that since it's the truth, the story won't be different in a few days, or a week.  Or a month.   I want openness and realness. 

Maybe I want too much.  

Ohhhhhhh....

This is kinda tough.  But everything is kinda tough lately.  So that makes all the difficult things start to seem easier.  That's a perk.  I'm trying to change what I think about how my life and relationships should be, because, at the current moment, since I can't really do a lot about any of it, it just sucks to see and realize all the ways that this whole thing is not what I had thought it would be.  

That's not to say that it's bad.  I wouldn't trade my husband and new baby for anything.  I guess when it all started though, I sort of thought that what I was bringing to the table (which turns out to be nothing but breeding capabilities and the willingness to settle down) was more than it actually was, I guess.  I've been feeling really played lately.  

It's like my husband tricked me into signing up for his program by using false advertising and hyping up the truth a bit. 

Right now, I'm sitting on the couch in the living room, wondering where Jon is at, my husband has left about 2 hours ago, to go help some friends, he says.  

I'm on house arrest until the middle of December.   Have been tied to this house since August 20th.   We have a 4 month old son, (who was a planned baby-still a weird concept to me), I have a 5 year old from a previous marriage, who I used to get every weekend, but recently, his dad sprung a temp. restraining order on me, which his lawyer gave me an hour to respond to, when I obviuosly can't, cuz of house arrest. 

I had court today, with my ex husband, and since one of our (uninsured) cars got stolen, I had to count on my mom to get me there.  We were a half hour late, so his parenting plan defaulted back to the one from when I left him in 2005, even though my lawyer was there.  I walk in, see my ex, his gf, and their lawyer looking all accomplished, until they saw me, then it was all about smug, cocky, attitudes. 

My lawyer walks by and yells at me for being late, and for not paying the judgement to my ex's lawyer in front of them.   Insult to injury.  

I had no control over being late.  We don't have a checking account, and I looked at his lawyers website, but it didn't say she took credit cards.  I've had the money set aside for it, and just about every day I've said something about how I needed to get that paid to my husband.  He wasn't helping out, so I called my mom like 4 days ago to ask her if I could give her cash to send a check for me, she said yeah, but we didn't get a check to her until today at the courthouse.

I never thought that I couldn't count on the people I love to help me when I can't help myself.  Until now.  They eventually come around, but by the time anybody bothers to do what they say they will, it's too late and I'm already suffering the consequences.  If it were reversed, I would be there for any of them.  

At least I get to see my older boy this weekend.   It's been a month since his dad started this.  I guess my ex told my son that he wasn't coming over to see me because I was "sick". 

I miss him so bad. 

I wouldn't have made so many of the decisions I made so quickly about getting married and having another baby, if I didn't think that those choices were a step towards getting my son back all the time. 

I love my baby, but I wouldn't have gotten pregnant last time if I'd have known that I was going to get charged for that stupid crime I committed 3 years ago.  I would have waited.  And now I'm pregnant again, just a month, I think, but I can't have this baby, and my mom is way pro-life, so I'm pretty much screwed as far as getting to a doctor to have an abortion. 

So, here I am, sitting on the couch, still waiting for him to get home, it's about 40 minutes later.  The baby is asleep.  I'm crying.  And wishing we had some beer or something.  But we don't. 

I'm trying not to cry too loud so I don't wake up the baby. 

I'm so hopeless right now. 

It won't be much longer though.   Court for custody SOON.  And I have NOTHING together.  Still.  UGGHHH